


THE MONSTER

by Karl5



Category: X-Men (Ultimateverse)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 17:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karl5/pseuds/Karl5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set directly after the events in Ultimate X-Men Annual #2</p><p>After Rogue tells a supposedly unconscious Kurt that he is truly a monster, Logan tries his best to convince him otherwise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	THE MONSTER

THE MONSTER

 

“The Professor doesn’t want us in here and I don’t even know if you can hear me anyway, so I’ll make this quick. I know what it’s like to grow up being a mutant. To have people treat you a certain way just because you’re different. I know about the ridicule, the isolation. I know that it must be especially hard when you look different too. People who judged you just by the way you look, they probably thought you were a monster. I just wanted to say that after being in your head, seeing what you really are, on the inside, I KNOW you’re a monster.”

I feel the tears run down my face and realize I can not only hear what Rogue says, but I can also cry.

Ja, of course, I am a monster! It takes vun to know vun, doesn’t it, Rogue? It is not vhat ve look like, it is vhat ve are, vunce Veapon X gets finished vith us. But I must not think about that. I vill instead think of how much it hurts that you vould say such a thing as that to me. You, who should know better than to speak such a truth out loud in anger.

Vhat did I do to Ali that vas so awful, compared to the things that ve both have done in the past? Yes, I tricked her and hid her avay. But did I hurt her? No. I vanted only time for her to get to know me, to try to vin her love. Did I tie her up? Did I starve her? Did I force myself upon her? No. I only vanted her love.

Maybe I tried in a wrong vay. Maybe you cannot force somevun to love you. Maybe somevun who hates himself cannot force somevun else to love him. Maybe I am not vorthy of anyvun’s love.

Oh yes, Rogue, I am a monster, but you do not even begin to know the reason vhy. Neither does Professor Xavier. He is a good man, but there are things a good man simply cannot comprehend, much less have the means to fix. 

The Professor may think I am totally out of it, but I am not. There are things I keep from him, and he does not even know it. I don’t understand exactly how I do it, but I learned it during my time at Veapon X, may they all rot in Hell for eternity! I had to, or I vould not have survived. I have a safe inside my mind vhere I can lock avay those things I do not vish to realize that I know, those things I vould much rather not remember. It is a large safe, heavy, black, made of solid iron, vith a combination that only I know. 

I can somehow also deliberately hide things behind that safe, vhere I can reach them if I vish, but everyone else cannot. That’s vhere I hide those things I do not vant the Professor to find, such as the fact that I am not quite so unconscious as he thinks I am.

There is nothing he can do to help me. I am truly an abomination. Ali vas my last hope, my final chance to prove othervise. And I failed.

Oh God, I know you can forgive me for all those things I did for Veapon X, but even you cannot forgive me for vhat I am, down deep inside. It is the secret that I must try to keep even from myself.

But vhat is this? Somevun else is opening the door, and it is not the Professor or I vould have felt him inside my head. Footsteps cross the room and stop alongside me, then silence. Who are you? Vhy do you not speak, so I can know who you are?

It is Logan’s voice that finally answers those questions. He is the last person in the vorld that I vant here just now, but I can do nothing to prevent it, nor can I not listen.

“Kurt, I saw Rogue come in here a little while ago, and I heard what she said to you. I didn’t mean to hear, but I was outside and you know how sharp my hearing is. Been thinking since then about whether I should tell you this or not, but here I am. Like her, I don’t know if you can hear me, but just in case, here goes.

“You’re not a monster, kid, no matter what she saw in your memories. She’s upset right now, but she didn’t mean it, not really. I know more about Weapon X than either of you ever will, and I know what they can do to a person. I can also tell a lot more about someone just by their scent than you’d ever imagine. For one thing, I know when you’re feeling sexually aroused by someone, so I think I know what your real problem is. You may not want to hear it from me, but it doesn’t look as if you’ve got much choice.

“You’re turned on by men, including me, but you hate that, just as you hate seeing it in Peter. He didn’t betray you, or hide anything from you that you haven’t hidden from yourself.”

*Nein! Nein! Sag das nicht!* But I can’t do anything more than think this, begging him not to continue, trying not to hear his vords.

“That’s why you don’t seem to be able to attract any girls,” he continues relentlessly. “You don’t really want to. Just look at Ali. You liked her, sure. But you loved the unconscious girl lying in a hospital bed, not the real woman. You made up a fantasy about her, to prove to yourself that you were what you were supposed to be, what you felt you should be, what you hated yourself for not being.”

No! He brings up the very things I try so hard never to think about, but that I can never forget! How can he know this? Please, please, make him go avay! Make him be silent!

“If you’re hearing this, pal, I know it’s scaring the hell out of you and you’re doing your best to keep on denying it. But why? Religious reasons? I’d guess that from the words you use about Peter, like ‘abomination’. That’s Biblical talk.”

Of course it is Biblical talk! I vas raised Catholic. Go avay! Stop tormenting me! Get thee behind me, Satan! 

“Or maybe because you think it makes you somehow not a man? Take a look at Peter. Can you even begin to see him as not a man?”

He hesitates a moment, as if unsure vhether he should continue. Leave! Let me forget you vere ever here.

“Look, this is nothing so horrible. You’re young and confused, that’s all. Maybe you’ll find you can be attracted to women also, if you meet the right girl. But maybe you need to know that being gay is not a fate worse than death. More and more, society is beginning to accept it as just another variation on sexual attraction, not a disgrace, not a sin, not a perversion of some sort, or a disease that can be cured. Even a lot of Christians accept it as normal nowadays.”

Vas? Can that be possible? No, of course not. It is in the Bible. But it is true that the Bible also tells us many other things ve must not do that the Church has never said are sins. No. I am only trying to justify vhat I am by thinking that. I must not doubt.

“Are you afraid of what others would say, if they knew? Do you see anyone looking down on Peter? Do you think any of us would think any less of you, if you said you were gay? If so, think again. I’ve lived a hell of a lot longer than you and I’m not as young as I look. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not real happy about, but the fact that I’ve had sex with another man now and then isn’t one of those things.”

Mein Gott! Him too? But how could he? He is the most masculine person I know. He could not be a faggot like me. Could he?

“You’re young. You’ve got a lot to learn, about yourself and about others. Give yourself a chance, huh?”

I had my chance, with Ali, and I failed. I can’t love a voman. I don’t even vant to love a voman!

“Now I’m going to go out on a limb here. Mind you, this is a guess, not a certainty, but like I said, I know Weapon X and what they do. I’m going to say they raped you at some point in their training. I’m going to say they didn’t do it just once, but often, maybe because you’re young and good-looking, maybe because they saw how much it fucked with your head, maybe to break your confidence in yourself. Maybe all those things, or maybe none of them. But I’m guessing that drove any chance that you might have had of recognizing the truth about yourself down into the deepest basement in your mind, where it could be safely hidden even from yourself.”

Lieber Gott, he knows! I can’t stand it! He knows! He has broken my safe and seen my secret! Let me die! Let me die right now!

I feel the touch of his hand on my shoulder, and cannot even pull avay. God help me, I don’t vant to pull avay! I vant him to touch me.

“Come on, kid. Don’t let those bastards win. Fight back. You’ve got guts. I know, I’ve seen you fight. Now fight with your brains, instead of your fists. Fight back with honesty against the lies that have been beaten into you. Let Chuck help you with this.”

I can’t, I can’t! No one else must know, especially not the Professor! 

“You’re no monster, Kurt. You’re a man. Don’t ever listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.” 

I can hear the quaver in his voice as he says this. Vhy should it affect him so much? I am the vun who should be crying now. I am crying; I can feel my eyes overflow vith the tears. No! He must not see me like this!!

He is kneading my shoulder now, wiping the tears from my face vith his other hand. “You heard me, didn’t you, kid? You wouldn’t be crying if you hadn’t.” 

I am ready to die of shame, and not only because of the tears.

“Besides, I can see you’ve got a hard-on. You want me, don’t you?”

Yes, yes! I vant you! I vant your body pressed against mine, I vant your hand between my legs. Gott forgive me, I vant your cock up my ass. Oh yes, I know too vell how that feels, vhen a man takes me. To my everlasting shame, I know how much I enjoyed it, once I grew accustomed to it. 

“Aw right, look, I’m going to do something I may be sorry for later, but it’s all I can think of right now. If I’m totally off base here, I apologize. But I don’t think I am.”

I feel it as he turns down the blanket that covers me, then lifts the edge of the gown that barely covers my nakedness. I cannot move, but as I feel his hand gently touch my engorged penis, I suck in my breath sharply.

“So you do like it, huh? Or are you just taking in some air in order to try to call for help, but you can’t? Damn, I wish you could talk to me, let me know what you’re feeling! Do you want to kiss me, or would you rather kill me?”

His lips touch mine, in an uncertain kiss. Even if I could speak, I could not respond to his question, since I don’t know the answer. His hand begins stroking my cock.

“Listen, kid. I’m your friend, even if I do get mad at you sometimes. This is just between us. I’ll never mention it again, unless you bring it up first. It’s not a big deal. All it means is that I understand, and maybe that I like you enough to want to show you that it doesn’t make someone any less of a man. I hope you can realize that.”

My penis is suddenly surrounded by a delicious warm wetness, a pressure, a pulling sensation. Merciful God, he has taken me into his mouth! I never imagined such a thing could feel so wonderful. I cannot help myself. I climax almost immediately, and feel it as he swallows my cum. Logan, the strongest, bravest, most formidable man among us all, has just given me a blow job.

Is it possible Logan could be right about me? Is it possible he could be right about everything he said?

A very slight smile is all I can force my lips to provide. But that is enough to give him an answer.

“I thought so, Kurt. I thought so. If you ever want more, just let me know.”

I hear his footsteps as he leaves the room, but I know now that I am not alone. And I am not a monster.

 

German Translations

*Nein! Nein! Sag das nicht!* *No! No! Don’t say that!*

Vas? Yes, I know that’s the wrong spelling of the German word “Was”, which means what. But it can be confused with the English word, and fans are used to seeing it in the comics sometimes anyway.

Mein Gott! My God!

Lieber Gott Dear God

MY LOGURT STORIES  
STORY ARC – Movieverse   
In the Beginning . . .   
After X-2, Kurt is considering what to do next. My slant on how he gets involved in the climax of X-3, then finds himself attracted to Logan despite his own religious issues. They take a very interesting vacation on Cape Cod, in order to spend time together and try to resolve what they want from each other, if anything.   
Please note that this story contains many links to real places on the Cape, but the links don’t always work reliably, so if you want to see them, you may need to copy/paste the URLs.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091204&chapter=1   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040785 

Morning Devotions  
It’s almost 2 years after the Battle of the Golden Gate Bridge. In addition to being an X-Man, Kurt has recently begun teaching classes at the School.   
Please note that this is the original short prologue for this entire story arc, which was written long before “In the Beginning” was even imagined. While the prologue is rather tame as far as sex is concerned, the succeeding stories will more than make up for this lack. Each story can be read alone, but they are better in order. See the AO3 version of Something a Little Different, which includes Morning Devotions as a prolog.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090821 

Something a Little Different  
When Logan wakes Kurt up in the middle of the night, Kurt just figures he wants the usual sex. But tonight, Logan wants something a little different.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090822   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040865   
(AO3 is the combined version of Morning Devotions and this story)

As the Twig is Bent  
Wie der Zweig gebogen wird , so wächst der Baum. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.   
And Herr Grüber has long-range plans for the resulting tree.   
Logan pushes Kurt into revealing some of the dark secrets of his childhood.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090851   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040877 

PRAY FOR US SINNERS  
More secrets, from both Kurt’s past and Logan’s present.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090852   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040902 

With Nothing on My Tongue  
Logan is off somewhere trying to decide what direction he wants his life to take, while Kurt waits anxiously for his return. After several months pass, he is almost ready to give up hope.   
Two very different women help him get through this difficult time, each in her own inimitable way.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090873   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040920 

You Win, Elf  
Logan returns to tell Kurt of his decision.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090894   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040930 

Hell Hath No Fury  
Someone from Logan’s past appears – and that someone plans to take revenge on the one who scorned him .  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090950   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040948 

 

  
TWO SHORT STORIES WHICH COULD BE EITHER COMIC OR MOVIEVERSE

Let’s Pretend  
Just about any time after Kurt and Logan have been together for a while.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090964   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/965765 

 

Happy Birthday, Elf!  
On a certain day in November, Kurt receives a very special present. Just a bit of fluff. No Sex.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091000   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/989660 

 

  
COMICVERSE – Single stories that fit into X-Men comic issues. If you haven’t read the comic referenced after each title, the story may not make much sense to you.

HOPE X-Force #36   
Just before he dies, Kurt gives Hope a message to deliver to Logan.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090809   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/982644 

Revenge! Wolverine #15  
While Logan climbs the mountain to jump off yet again, he is visited by Kurt’s spirit.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090949   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/982648 

 

To Walk Away from Paradise Amazing X-Men: Quest for Nightcrawler #1-5 At the end of this series, we left Kurt sitting on the roof agonizing about having lost his soul. What if Logan didn’t leave him there alone after all? (If you haven’t read my Kurt Darkholme series, some of the references to past happenings in this story may be confusing.)  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1856817 

 

The Monster Ultimate X-Men Annual #2  
After Rogue tells a supposedly unconscious Kurt that he is truly a monster, Logan tries his best to convince him otherwise..   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090893   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/981587 

 

The Best You Can Hope For Astonishing X-Men # 44-47 & 59-61, X-treme X-Men # 1-13, Age of Apocalypse # 13 & 14, and X-Termination # 1+2  
James Howlett tells about his relationship with young Kurt Waggoner. As he tries to teach the boy what it means to be a hero, young Kurt has a lesson to teach him in return.   
No sex.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091203   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/979462 

COMICVERSE  
KURT DARKHOLME STORY ARC   
Der Doppelgänger Set between Uncanny X-Force #23 and #24  
Kurt Darkholme and Logan end up in bed together.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090999   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091062 

 

Of Angry Elves and Mouthy Mercenaries Set several days after Bobby’s death in UXF #24, and prior to what happened in Deadpool #50-54. Also prior to Betsy and Fantomex’s departure from X-Force in #25.  
Kurt Darkholme and Wade Wilson get to know each other better, among other activities. 

http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091017   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091097 

 

Hinter Meine Masken (Behind My Masks) Takes place sometime after UXF-26 when they have a night free.  
Logan, Kurt Darkholme, and Deadpool deepen their involvement with each other.   
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091081   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091306 

 

Vengeance Is Mine Uncanny X-Force #32-34  
After Kurt Darkholme betrays X-Force, he faces a private reckoning of his own . 

 

http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091156   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091373 

 

Say Very Softly After Astonishing X-Men #59  
Kurt Darkholme and Deadpool have one last fling. 

http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091183   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091440 

 

The Only Thing   
Set after the end of the X-Termination story arc  
What if Kurt Darkholme survives? 

http://xmen.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600091259   
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091522

**Author's Note:**

> For any of my readers who enjoy stories involving male/male sex in general, I’ve started a series of ebooks on Amazon that is not fanfiction. It doesn’t involve Logan, Kurt, or any other superheroes, but my two main characters are heroes of a more everyday kind, each in his own way. You can find out more about it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J75NJIE and http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M0CZM3G


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